The start is at the end

The aim of this blog is to help document my life over the next 4/6/8 weeks and maybe even further forward.it scares me to think that this story starts at the end, The end of something that could have been everything I ever wanted!. It kills me to think that a relationship may not be achievable with her after all this. too much may have already happened. All I can do is be there when she needs me and slowly build trust (we never really had it) I wasn’t ready at the beginning (I had bottled my emotions so much that they devoured me from the inside) I turned to Alcohol my mind sank further into the darkness.

December 11th 2018 , it was a normal working day when it hit me. I couldnt get my head from the desk… I just sat there, my head feeling like an anchor on my desk. The whole room went darker, Grey like in colour, I thought to myself, what a feeling it must be to just end it all. to walk to the bridge and just jump. all of this will stop.I know longer have to fight myself, the struggle of the house, the relationships… finances… all of it over. i wouldnt be missed. My thoughts turned to how long it would take to walk there. 7 mins max and it would be over. my mind argued with itself “you wouldn’t be missed” “charlotte would miss you” “you are ending it anyway” “what about K, you have dreamt of this chance for months… would argue years” “she wont be too fussed” i closed my eyes and just drifted off into the abyss. Then My Heart thought back. think of how this would effect your dad. your sisters your neices. i opened my eyes and it was brighter again. I have to start here as this was the first time it had happened and since then i tried to drink this problem away.

I have never been great talking about my personal issues as the list is so long, cousin as a sister, step sister, always felt like I wasn’t good enough at home,Dad wasn’t proud of my Degree, uncles in prison, aunts in mental asylums. Cousins spread out across the family and not with their real parents. my own parents not coming to watch sports games or show any interest. Shaun and Terran, Danielle,the fact I failed 2 pieces of coursework for uni whilst taking care of Kelsey after she had her operation and no one said thank you. I was an 21 year old going to uni then spending the night up making sure Kelsey was ok. whilst trying to play football and maintain a normal life. was it the fact that my eyes were opened to sex and drugs at a very early age…. i try to think to myself that this is just a normal upbringing. sleeping in houses with syringes laying about. my sister locking the door when my aunts drug dealer came knocking and wanted paying in sex. This all at an age of 10. I have never thought about any of this and how thisis part of me. I have never been able to build strong sustainable relationships.

My own relationship with Charlotte was a sham… looking back it was because i was scared to be on my own so settled with her. I allowed myself to trick myself into believing i was happy. I am scared of being on my own. I am scared of my families albeit the southern side (mums side) dependencies and weaknesses that i allowed myself to hide in plain sight. I just wanted to be wanted. Its so simple thinking this now but I have never looked at myself in such depth. Why do i need people to need me? or to want me? why am i so codependent? am i craving the effection/attention that i never feel i really got? because if that is the case then i need to accept i aint going to get it and that i dont need it. I suppose speaking tomorrow night with someone will enable me to put things into perspective and see just how i have been affected and what i need to do next. maybe speak to my parents and ask them about things. understand it.

It comes at me like waves and just like the great English coastline after some time it erodes that front i have and is allowed in. Some days I’m great… some days i’m good and other days I am my own worse nightmare. Self doubt… doesn’t so much as creep up on me but resides in me.