The Hardest Thing To Give Up

In the past month or so I have managed to give up Alcohol, texting for attention, all forms of social media, I’ve even given up meat this week and have done so with relative ease. I have found this easy because I have a reason, to not only prove to myself but to prove to the person who I care about the most that I am capable of change. I honestly do not think its an issue. Having spoken to 2 people and opened up to many more about my shortfalls (do not wish to call them problems or issues) . I have never been more comfortable with who I am. I don’t have to be anyone other then me. I don’t need to fill my gaps and holes by being someone else. I can see that now that this was always going to end badly for me. The hardest thing I have had to give up up is Kim. No it does not help that I work a Metre or Two (not that I have counted) or does it. Would I be sat here wondering what she was doing if she was not in the same office. I don’t know…. I do know i would be a fucking wreck though. I am drawn to her… It sounds a proper cliche but I know when she walks in in the morning without looking. (yes the sound of her keys help but I just sense her) I find myself just staring at her. Not today though, last night was the first time in what feels like ages we didn’t spend the night together. She said she wanted some space and needed to think over things which I am cool with. By cool I mean shitting myself haha. I don’t want anything but her. it’s probably an unhealthy obsession. she sent me a text last night after I called her out on her not being ok ” I was going to say i’m sorry but im not” now put that in context with yourself Kamen….. you told her to never say sorry for how she feels…thats the logical thinking to that text…. but my mind isnt logical when it comes to Kim…. I’m worried that she cannot look past everything and cannot see a future for us. she may have text someone else and found comfort in doing so…. I only have myself to blame really. That’s the kicker.

but why text someone with a message such as that….. “I would say sorry but im not.” this is going to play on my mind for a while…. I need to realise this and push all of the worst case scenarios that run through my mind out. She knows how I feel,what I want etc…. but do I really know how she feels…. what she really wants….No is the simple answer… not at all. For now I am going to keep my distance, not put any pressure on. I sometimes feel that she doesn’t want to upset me and tell me to get lost and that really for her its over…. I need to leave her to make her mind up and thats what im going to do. This will be my biggest challenge to date. Giving up Kim. 1 day at a time…. 1 hour at a time….1 fucking minute at a time if that’s what it takes! I started writing this at 7:53AM… the time is now 12:06 and I feel sick. This feeling will pass I know that and if things don’t work out then I know I will be alright in the long term… but that’s only because I will learn to live with it rather then be over it. All you can do is give it your best shot. If it falls down then at least you can be comfortable with the knowledge that you gave it your best and sometimes your best just isn’t enough. You just have to stop being in denial about it. Hold your hands up, lay down the truth and be ready for the consequences. This is me standing bare…. awaiting my sentence. I just want it to be over with now…… I’m not too fussed what side the sword falls I just want it over. I can sleep knowing that I have made changes, put myself out there and been true to it. Nothing said was to create a response etc.