The Waterfall

so, i’m calling this stage the waterfall, since conceding myself and opening up I have allowed myself to realise so much about our short relationship. I am comparing this to a waterfall as just like a waterfall the beauty of it all was before we had got to the top and now we are back at the bottom I can see the beauty again. Not the beauty of Kim, that is not in question. EVER!. The actual beauty of a relationship. I never made her feel wanted or needed and in turn it pushed her away. I never let her know how i felt, both sexually and mentally. I blame this on my previous relationship and just how bad it was. (this is not a jibe at Charlotte because we both did the same thing) I believed that people are not truly happy and they just crack on and aim for the next benchmark to work towards. some of my friends telling me if it wasn’t for the kid they would not be with X then 1 month later announce they are having another baby. My whole life i have been lied to and lapped it up. Until now!

It’s easy to write this now and without going through what we have we wouldnt in this situation. I read a blog that Kim had put out under the cloak of anonymity and it read that Alex was the one for her. he broke her heart and in truth I do not feel like she was ready to let me in. I know now that i was not ready to let her in. It has taken all of this to see. changes made already are having a huge impact on my life. Being honest with my mum and dad about things is helping me slowly build a better relationship with them. my mum asks about how things are going and what am i doing next etc. before it was just hows my day been. we speak about more real things. things that matter. As for my relationship with Kim, its back at the bottom of the waterfall. its beautiful amongst the chaos. we sit and can talk about hopes, dreams, our lives together and before we know it 4 hours have passed. This is real! This to me is what its all about. its about going on that journey with someone and knowing that through thick and thin they will be there for you to pick you up when you feel down and make you smile along the way. afterwall, the only thing we have when we are on our death bed is our memories. doesnt matter where we are… what we are wearing… we will always have those memories. I for one am going to continue on this self development journey and ensure that my interactions with people are meaningful. I am appreciating every minute i get to spend with her. every text… every smile. I have a long way to go in order to gain her trust back and i keep thinking of radical ways in order to do so…. put my whats app on her comp…. let her check my phone whenever she wants. I dont need to do that but i know that deep down, i do not possess the ability anymore to let her down. i just hope one day she gets to see this. she says that people dont deserve second chances but they do if they know 100% that things will be better. our relationship is so much more deeper then ever before and i know if given a chance will be amazing. together stronger and just living it with each other. I am going to tell her every day how blessed i am that she is in my life. how stunning she is! how her body is outrageous. how the smallest of smiles has the ability to make my day. how a touch can make me lose sight of all my stresses.

anyway… Tonight i attend my first session at Focus. i am rather looking forward to finding out about myself and seeing what made me who i am and why i am who i am. i know i can change. and have already felt a change in myself. the thought of letting my bestfriend down has broken me and from this I plan to rebuild into everything that she needs. becasue she is all i need.

more to come over the next couple of days