Three weeks without alcohol and i’m not missing it, 3 weeks without pointless texts and i’m not missing it., 3 weeks without social media (that sounds tragic) and again, i’m not missing it. I haven’t rammed it down people’s throats that i’m no longer on any social media platform ( suppose I can’t because I don’t have the platform to do it haha). Since coming away from it all I have learned so much about myself. Each day I find myself in situations where i would usually bury my head in my phone and look for some escape. I would struggle for an answer or feel insecure about myself and without a thought I would seek some form appreciation. I would text on the group… I would throw some banter towards someone to take my mind off what was really going on.
Its made me think about why do I do it and how often do I do it? what causes that pull over me….. I know alcohol expedites it. it makes me more insecure… more anxious about being accepted. It amplifies the need for me to be wanted. After a brief meaningful conversation with a close friend ( He asked how I was getting on) I told him there is light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t think he knows about my battle with depression (I still don’t know what to call it) Yes I had suicidal thoughts…. yes I still have them now. They are not frequent and I know they are just thoughts so am able to squash them. He opened up and confessed “alcohol accelerates my anxiety” I never knew he suffered with it. “I try to drink during the day/afternoon then get a good nights sleep if we are off out, I need to ensure everything that I should do tomorrow is already done because when I wake up i’m a mess…… i’m anxious about everything… I enter a shame spiral.” This was a shock to me. I confessed about my insecurities and how I have realised that I often feel like its not me pulling the strings…. be it alcohol or just my insecure self wanting some reassurance. Texting a girl until the point they invite me round and then bailing. just so that i know someone wants me. It’s pathetic to say it out loud. it first started with the alcohol but then manifested into my sober life. chasing that wanted feeling.
I have realised that I have holes…..as a Human I am not complete. I have issues that have left me with holes in me and how I have plugged them over the years has produced who I was. I was plugging the holes with all the incorrect stuff. This was not mending the holes but only covering them. I drank to hide these holes. I text inappropriately to cover another hole. I used activities to cover these holes aswel. I even used Charlotte to cover the holes. I am now working out what these holes are and what I must do to fix them rather then cover them. If I have scars after mending these holes then so be it because at least they will be healed.
So… what Holes do I have? and what caused them…. lets start with my insecurities. I do not have any confidence with people who are hold more power then me. probably caused by years of emotional abuse from my father.(banter) but next level banter. Everytime i left the house I was told I looked stupid. was never allowed to express myself as I would be shot down. I was weak.. imagine being in competition with your dad over who looks better. clothes… football boots…. body… everything. I think that damaged me slightly. Now i’m not typing this as some kind of snowflake here using this as an excuse. but marry this up with 2 cheating first G.F’s and a cheating best mate and that hole grew and grew…. I never learned to confront my dad or to pull him up on it. my confrontational family home taught me to hold my tongue. I don’t argue… I dont stand up for what I believe. Its been suppressed for so long that I don’t feel comfortable doing it. Now my relationship with my father is different. after breaking down with him and confessing about the suicidal thoughts and the weeks during January and December that where my lowest we have been more real with each other. He has lost his bravo act and I have started to open up more. Not just with him but my mum and sister also. My dad tells me now when he is struggling and its ok to not be ok. In order to fix this hole though, I need to accept myself. accept i aint perfect, accept that I ain’t everyone’s cup of tea and that I am not going to appease everyone. as long as I am doing what I believe in and what I deem to be the right thing then who cares about anyone else. I shouldn’t hold everyones opinion of myself above my own.
A hole created by family issues, not getting the thanks or the attentions that I wanted as a child. no family to support me playing football or rugby. I get that now that they where a young family and had their own agendas and own personal lives but that’s not an excuse for them not to put the time in for mine. I have to accept that now and ensure that this should not alter who I am now. I need to learn from it for when I am a father.
My family issues with cousins,aunties, uncles etc… drugs… drug dealing. Heroin… Kelsey having cerebral pulsy because her real mum was a heroin addict and was abusing the drug through pregnancy. Her father dying from an overdose and his body being found in a park. No amount of drinking is going to solve those problems or help Kelsey. I have now realised that I need to speak more with her and be a proper big brother. go out my way to ensure that she is ok. I fill my holes with people who are irrelevant to me. People whose opinion of me I couldn’t care less.
My Trauma issues from the above… from the drug dealers knocking on the door… from watching family members inject with heroin. from seeing my god father shoot up whilst at work. My trauma was never confronted or talked about. instead i buried it and covered it with other things. and in doing so I have become weak. I have become anxious and nervous these are feelings i have never experienced as i would just text someone to make me feel better. I used Charlotte to cover my holes. I convinced myself that because she was nice and her family was pure and good that we could grow up together and be happy. I believed the older we got the happier we would be. but that was unhealthy and when I realised that my happiness was never going to be achieved this way I hit rock bottom.
I now need to tackle these holes head on and speak with people about them. Yes I am insecure. Yes I family issues, Yes I have experienced trauma. but I need to recognise these and work on healing these with the correct stuff Heal the hole do not just fill it. to put it simply….. Holes on a football pitch cannot simply be covered in cut grass…. yes it looks the same but when the wind blows you are back to square one. I need to put some mud down and ensure i put some grass seed down and water it. give it sunlight. let it out. talk to people. if they upset me… if they anger me… if i feel they are doing something that i dont like. just speak.
other holes that I have found….. Going to Uni and no one being bothered. 44 westfield Rise, 51 Nelson Road..Seeing Charlotte’ family get involved more then mine in my house. Girls choosing friends over myself. friends choosing girls over myself. The Depression, the list goes on.
Discovery starts with knowing that you have lost yourself 